Wednesday 31 July 2013

The famous Sardarji Jokes: A nice collection

why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road?

To Check if he is going to work or Coming Back.

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A mad dog is chasing a sardar. The sardar laughs while running. Know why?

He says mera to Airtel hai phir bhi Hutch ka network follow kar raha hai.

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Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki,
Coffee Atte Hi wife Se Bola "Jaldi Jaldi pee." Wife Boli "Kyu ?"

Sardar Bola " Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00."

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Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends :

" I am Sardar and this is sardarney, this is my kid and this is my kidney."

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Sardar to Salesman, " I Need Pink curtains for my computer."

Salesman : "Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains."

Sardarji : "Oye i have windows installed."

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Nurse: "Sardarji, Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!!"

Sardar : "Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!!"

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A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was?

He opened a Saloon in Punjab!
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A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why?

He said "SMILE PLEASE"
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Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly.

A man asks why he does this.
Sardarji: "I've beenpromoted as branch manager."
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Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.................

Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"
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One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why?

Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
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Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining.

Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
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Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?

O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.
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Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet

Sardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
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Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving..
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A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.

Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
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Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.

Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'You are standing on the oxygen tube!"
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Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing.

He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
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Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess what...

---To avoid side effect!!!
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Man: Sardarji where were u born? Sardarji: Punjab. Man: Which part?

Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
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IN COURT during a case: Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke .....

Sardar: yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab kehte ho gita pe haath rakho.....
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Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no,

She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card.
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"Think of someone": good one

Today before you think of saying an unkind word

- Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food

- Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife

- Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life

- Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children

- Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about who cleans up your dirty house

- Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive

- Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job

- Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another

- Remember that nobody is perfect are without faults.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down

- Put a smile on your face and be thankful you're alive and still around.

Life is a gift,

Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, And fulfill it.

Sardarji and Bill Clinton in US

A Sardarji went to US and had a meeting with Bill Clinton.

Bill: I want to show you the US advancement. Come with me.

He takes him to a forest.

Bill: Dig the ground. Sardarji did it.

Bill: more...more...more... Sardarji went up to 100 feet.

Bill: So now, try to search something.

Sardarji: I got a wire.

Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago we used to have telephones.

Sardarji became frustrated. He invited Bill to India. Next year Bill was in India

Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement. The same...he takes Bill to a forest.

Sardarji : Dig it. Bill does.

Sardarji : more...more...m.?l. Bill goes up to almost 400 feet..

Sardarji : try to find something. Bill tries.

Sardarji : Did you get anything?

Bill : No, there is nothing here.

Sardarji : you know, it shows that even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!!

"Join the queue" : A nice short story

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.

Whose funeral is it? "

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "

What happened to her? " !

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man replied "Join the queue."

Gabbar ke Raaj Me IT

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and start signaling: "Abe O thakur! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya".

Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai."

Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?"

Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai."

Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop.

Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: "Ha ha... thakur ne freshers ko liya hai ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bh! i nahin aate."

Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, Kuch bhi kar sakte hain."

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says: "jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya."

AT GABBAR'S DEN...

Gabbar: "Kitne virus thhye?"

Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."

Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen anitvirus . Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch key aaye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? incentive dega , Salary badayega?

Iski saza milegi... barobar milegi. (gabbar shouts ) "Sambaa laptop la re".

"Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?"

Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."

Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai.[logout - logout - logout]. Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga Kaalia?"

Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."

Gabbar: "To ab testing kar!"

Morning Enjoyment

1. When I see the sun I see you.

When I see the moon I see you.

When I see the stars I see you.

When I see the sea I see you.

are bhai hut mere raste se ,

you are blocking my view.

2. I wanna marry u, plz refuse mat karna

my heart is 0 watts' bulb, ise fuse mat karna

3. Ishq wale aankhon se dil ki baat samajh lete hai,

Sapne me mil jaye to mulaqat samajh lete hai,

Rota to aasma v hai Dharti k liye,

par log uske aanshu ko barsaat samajh lete hai

4. 1980 girls: Maa mei Jeans pehanungi

Maa : Nahin beti log kya kahengey ?

2006 girls: Maa mein mini skirt pehanungi

Maa: Pehen le beti kuch to pehan le!

5. Similarity between Gandhiji & Mallika?

Dono ne kapde tyag diye,

ek ne desh ke liye,

doosre ne Deshwasion ke liye!

6. Exams ke 4 din pehle syllabus dekha to yaad aaya,

Kuch To Hua Hai Kuch Ho Gaya Hai,

Exams ke din paper dekh kar yaad aaya,

Sab Kuch Alag Hai Sab Kuch Naya Hai

7. Judge: U r crossing the limits.

Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?

Judge: How dare you call me saala?

Lawyer: My Lod, I

said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai? (my favorite)

8. Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupaya de do.

Saheb: Kal aana.

Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere

Lakhon rupaye fase huye hain.

9. Generation Next Motto:

Na hum shaadi karenge,

na apne bachchon ko karne denge.

10. FOOL se, FOOL ne,

FOOLon ki FOOLwari me

FOOL ke sath wish kiya '

11. You are the mosbeautiFOOL,

colorFOOL & wonderFOOL amongst all FOOLS

12. What do u call a woman in heaven?

An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH!

13. What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like girlfriend,

that comes with expiry date and Daru is like wife,

Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

14. A Chinese couple Mr & Miss Hua got twins without marriage.

What did they named them?

They named them as 'Jo-Jua', 'So-Hua'

15. Paani mein Whiskey milao ta nasha chadta hai.

Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai.

Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai.

Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.

Few quotes related to "WIFE"

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Kuch sher aapke liye

Nafrat thi meri zindagi se to ulfat kyon ki,
dena tha zehar to mohabbat kyon ki,
dete ho zehar to kehte ho pina hoga,
pita hu zehar to kehte ho jeena hoga…………..

Chahkar bhi juda na reh sakogey,
Roothkar bhi khafaa na reh sakogey,
Hum dosti hi kuch aise nibhaayenge,
Ki hamaare bina ek pal bhi na reh sakogey…………………

Dil Ki Dahleez pe Koi gum na ho,
Hamari ye doste kabhi kam na ho,
Aapko jahan ki sari khushiyan mile,
Bhale hi us khushi mein hum ho na ho

Dosti cheez nahi jatane ki,
Hamein aadat nahin kisi ko bhulane ki,
Hum isiliye milte hai kam,
Kyonki nazar lag jati hai rishton ko zamane ki ...

True Fact about your salary

"Lower Your Cholesterol"-Ten ways to get the numbers down.

No doubt you've heard it a thousand times by now: Heart disease is the number one killer among both men and women. And about half of all adults in America have cholesterol levels that are too high--which means there's a good chance yours are. If you haven't had them checked lately, don't ignore it any longer.

Cholesterol, the naturally occurring waxy substance produced by your body, isn't a bad thing--unless you have too much of the bad kind. Then it contributes to the formation of artery-clogging plaque, increasing your risk of heart disease and stroke.

Bad kind? That's right. You have two main types of cholesterol: Low-density lipoprotein, or LDL (the "bad" cholesterol) , and high-density lipoprotein, or HDL (the "good" cholesterol) . LDL carries cholesterol into your arteries, and HDL carries it away to your liver. Needless to say, the less LDL and the more HDL you have the better. Beyond that basic fact, other details matter too, like the size of your LDL particles. Smaller, denser LDL particles are more dangerous because it's easier for them to burrow into artery walls.

If you have high cholesterol, your doctor may put you on cholesterol- lowering medication. But even if he does, pay special attention to the tips in this chapter. Because research suggests that by eating the right foods, getting enough exercise, and generally taking good care of yourself, you could slash your risk of dying from heart disease by an incredible 80 percent.

1. Drink two glasses of orange juice every morning.

2. Eat six or more small meals a day.

3. Quaff a glass of wine every evening with dinner.

4. Fix all your sandwiches on whole grain bread.

5. Use paper filters when brewing your coffee and skip the espresso.

6. Use olive oil in your homemade salad dressing tonight.

7. Sip a cup of black tea every four hours.

8. Add half a tablespoon of cinnamon to your coffee beans

9. Have oatmeal for breakfast every morning.

10. This week, have a few glasses of cranberry juice every day

Proposing a Girl: the MNC Ways

Wanna to propose a girl/boy?

Just do it - Nike.

* Before going to propose a girl/ boy

Believe in the best - BPL.

* If u r hesitating before proposing a girl/ boy

Vicks ki goli khao khich khich dur karo - Vicks.

* You r going to propose a girl/ boy then the chances are

50-50 - Britaina

* If girl slapped u when u proposed to her

Take it easy - Limca

* When u propose a girl/boy and she says no

Jor ka zatka dhire se laga - Mirinda

* Those who succeed in love says

We dream bcoz we do it - Dewoo.

* If some one wants to write a love letter to girl friend or boy friend

likho script apna apna - Rotomac.

* If u love someone

Go get it - Visa power.

* Boy riding a bike with neighbour's girl

Neighbours envy owner's pride - Onida.

* Not satisfied with ur date

Ye dil mange more - Pepsi.

* A boy having many girl friends

A complete man - Raymond.

*A smart girl having number of boy friends

Ye hai hamara surakhsha chakra - Colgate.

* For those who lost in love

har sham ka sathi - BagpiperWhisky.

* A guy or a gal who hasn't found yet any one.

Dhundate rah jaoge - Sirf Excell.

the most beautiful one liners for you..

Too good one liners

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success…….. is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich….. which never works.

If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

***** 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. *****

As soon as you mention something…… if it is good, it is taken…. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

All PMT buses are crowded.
Corollary----- PMT buses in opposite direction always go empty.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker …………… J

"Criteria for separating abnormal"...Nice 1..

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub"

Here are the choices:

Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the tea cup."

Noooooo," answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest.

"A normal person would pull the plug".

"What do you make Mr. CEO?" A Speech by a School principal

From A School Principal's speech at a graduation..

He said

"The Doctor wants his child to become a doctor.........

the Engineer wants his child to become an engineer......

The Businessman wants his ward to become CEO.....

BUT a teacher also wants his child to become one of them, as well..!!!!

Nobody wants to become a teacher BY CHOICE" ....Very sad but that's the truth.....!!!

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,

"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

To stress his point he said to another guest;

"You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Teacher Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,

"You want to know what I make?

(She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't

make them sit for 5 min. without an I- Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?

(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table)

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them how to write and then I make them write.

Keyboarding isn't everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math.

They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need

to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they

were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life

( Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant. You want to know what I make?

I MAKEA DIFFERENCE IN ALL YOUR LIVES, EDUCATING KIDS AND PREPARING THEM TO BECOME CEO's, AND DOCTORS AND ENGINEERS..........

What do you make Mr. CEO?

His jaw dropped; he went silent.

Just for fun

1) Teacher tells a student a=b, b=c implies a=c. Tell me an example.

Student : I love u - u love your daughter - so I love your daughter.

2) Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"

It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" o"shoot himself".

3) What is a girl friend?

Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.

4) A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.

He said, my strength is my wife.

My weakness is my neighbours wife.

Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.

Threat comes when I myself go out

5)Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

6. Once 3 Turtles decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized that they had forgotten the soda.

The youngest turtle said he would go home & get it if they wouldn't eat the snacks until he got back.

A week went by,

then a month,

finally an year,

the 2 turtles said 'oh, come on, lets eat the snacks'

Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said 'if you do like this, I won't go!'

Perfect Answer: Too Good

JUST 1 QUESTION.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

NOW READ THIS:

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations

Few Funny Leave Application Letters: Dont laugh out Loud

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...

Warning: don’t laugh out loud… you’re in office! Yes…… you can smile like that though!!

Comapny X, Bangalore:

An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

This is from Company Y Bangalore:

From an employee who was performing the first haircut ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days"

Another gem from Company Z.

Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

From Company A. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

All about Indian PMs: How true!!

Jawaharlal Nehru proved that a rich man can become the country’s Prime Minister;

Lal Bahadur Shastri proved that a poor man can become the Prime Minister;

Indira Gandhi proved that a woman can become the Prime Minister;

Morarji Desai proved that an old man can become the Prime Minister;

Rajiv Gandhi proved that a young man can become the Prime Minister;

I.K. Gujral proved that a gentleman can become the Prime Minister;

Deve Gowda proved just about anybody can become the Prime Minister;

Manmohan Singh has proved that India does not need a Prime Minister.

"A typical Patel family from Gujarat"..Just for fun..No offence Pls

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US.

It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler Chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.

There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi 's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left writs. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

Love Smita

PS: And if anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays...

"Send this boy to IIM Ahmedabad"...Hilarious.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!! "

Thats why I need a promotion??

People who do lots of work...

make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...

make less mistakes

People who do no work..

make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...

gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work

I need a promotion.

Bill gates in heaven

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a smart two-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court.

Pleased with his lot, Bill Gates settles in his after life.

One day he is out walking and he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

“ That’s really nice!!”. “Where did u get it from?”.

“Actually,” says the man

“ I have 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yatch, a golf course and four Rolls Royce”.

“Wow, were u a priest or a doctor healing the sick?” asks Bill.

“NO, I was the captain of the TITANIC”.

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter.

“How come the captain of the sunken ship gets all that while I,

the inventor of Windows operating system, gets a crummy little house?”, he asks.

“ Well we use windows too,” says Saint Peter.

“ And the TITANIC only crashed once”.

Men Vs Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman around leaves them.

7. Although that woman leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something new To wear.

4. Although they never have something new to wear, they always dress Beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect men to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you

Marriage proposal for Veeru Of RELIANCE.

Jay : Mausi, ladka Reliance main kaam karta hai..

Mausi : Hai ram..(Who is ram!!!!)

Jay : Aajkal to salary bhi jyada mil rahi hai use..

Mausi : To kya salary nahi milti thi..

Jay : Ab apraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi..

Mausi : Hai hai ...To kya apraisal bhi nahi hoti uska..

Jay : Senior se ladai karne ke baad apraisal mein achhi rating

to nahin na milti hai mausi..

Mausi : To kya ladta bhi hai..

Jay : Ab der raat tak ghar jaane ko na mille to ho jaati hai

kabhi kabhi anban..

Mausi : To kya der raat tak ghar bhi nahin jataa..

Jay : Ab engineers ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..

Mausi : To kya ladka engineer hai..

Mausi : Kaunse college se kiya..

Jay : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!

Jay : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi???

Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari ladki call center wale se shaadi kar le

par Reliance waale se katai nahin karegi.......

Light image humour

A Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

A Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails:

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2011 & 2012.

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.(Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana ,Tirupathi Balaji pics etc.. now most of those 'Wishes' are already married(to someone else)

Team Lead Monologues: Real situation

(When you join the project)

"Please don't hesitate to come to me any time for any technical or domain help"

(When you go to him for help)

"You can find it out man.... Can't you? Search in the books, and try to find it out yourself."

(When you try to fi nd it out yourself )
"You can't waste time like this. You should've come to me for help. We have to deliver .Come to my place"

(When you go to him for help, again)

"Don't make any changes in the code now. Come up with a document for impact analysis by lunch"

(When you go to him Just before lunch)

"So, what have you done since morning? This document? Shall we deliver this? How many lines of coding did you do?............. See, this is not the way we should work"

(When you go to him 1 hr after lunch, with a small amount of coding that's all what's necessary) -

"Only this much of coding since morning!!!" (Probably, you could've added the lyrics of a Hindi song in your code to make it look healthy).

"Change here, ......... change there, ............. Add here,................ Modify there . Do it NOW"

(When you go to him with the changes suggested by him)
"Who asked you to do these? Everything's wrong here. See, this is not the way we should work..............."

(Every 10 minutes) -

"So? What's the status?????

-----hmm....... That's how Life goes on ....

Very Very Interesting Facts

Too good..

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward , but our noses and ears never stop growing.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep , while starvation takes a few weeks.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
When the moon is directly overhead , you weigh slightly less.
Alexander Graham Bell , the inventor of the telephone ,never telephoned his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling , he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries because Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."
The smallest unit of time is the yoctosecond.
Like fingerprints , everyone's tongue print is different.
"Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters.
Right handed people live , on average , nine years longer than left handed people do.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the english language.
If the population of China walked past you in single line ,the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
China has more English speakers than the United States .
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
Babies are born with 300 bones , but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man never trimmed his beard , it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
According to Genesis 1:20-22 , the chicken came before the egg.
The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi-pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu - a New Zealand hill.
If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am , you will arrive in Honolulu at approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
Scientists in Australia 's Parkes Observatory thought they had positive proof of alien life , when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However , after investigation , the radio emissions were traced to a microwave in the building.
Strange-but-true The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three times each morning.
The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.

Wednesday 31 July 2013

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Friday 26 July 2013

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Tuesday 9 July 2013